travel back in time

Tuesday 14th September, Madrid, Spain

In between processing orders and payments for "Everywhere but Missouri, mate!" I've been working on an update about life in Madrid. My spare time is remarkably more scarce than I'd expected, and it is taking some time. In the meantime, here's a couple of funny bits and pieces that I've been sent lately:

Forwarded by Richard, a fellow traveller I met on arrival to Madrid. Kid's answers to some important questions..

"HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?"

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. *I've tried this one myself, but it doesn't work*
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favourite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. *Like a truck?? CRIKEY! You sure you don't just want to marry a better looking woman, Ricky?*
Ricky, age 10

NEXT...the top nine comments actually made by NBC sports commentators (or participants) during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back. Forwarded by Judith in California:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." *Wasn't this a GEORGE BUSH quote?*

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." *George W. again?*

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... ..Oh my God, what have I just said?"

And The Savage's personal favourite, forwarded by Timo the gamekeeper in England:

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions, God - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked," he said. "It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!"

sometimes there's not even room for more beer.

.. some cracking one liners forwarded from Eleanor in England:

Edinburgh Festival Best Jokes

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
(Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance)

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I Was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
(Susan Murray at the Underbelly)

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
(Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
(David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
(Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
(Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...Self-raising?"
(Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
(Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
(Jimmy Carr)

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox.
The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
(Shazia Mirza the Pleasance)

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
(Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
(Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join The circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber".
(Steven Alan Green at C34)

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
(Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms)

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try..What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
(Seymour Mace at Café Royal)

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
(Chris Addison at the Pleasance)

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
(Colin Ramone at The Stand)

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
(Arnold Brown at The Stand)

.. and finally, forwarded by a very sexy Spanish chica:

We all know there's noone better to make fun of than the MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD. Click on either of the photos below to see more...

Christine Todd Whitman, the top U.S. environmental regulator, struggles with her gag reflex after President George W. Bush offloaded a ration of greenhouse gas emissions. "That'll warm your globes, biatch!" said the President.

U.S. President George W. Bush, speaking about his Administration's job and growth plan Philadelphia, July 24, 2003, said "NEW GOVERNMENT CHECKS WILL BE ON THEIR WAY TO MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WITH CHILDREN JUST AS SOON AS I GET MY DICK OUT OF THIS WRINGER!"

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