25th MAY 2006 . . . MADRID, SPAIN
There's been a lot going on since my last journal update over three months ago! Rather than try to fit everything on one page, I have written a number of separate updates, including dozens of new photographs, and you can find them all by clicking here.
And if you scroll down in the left hand column, you will find five new funny videoclips and slideshows, some new George Bush stuff (that guy is always good for a chuckle) as well as a new collection of funny photographs. I've been busy!
But before you disappear... make sure you check out the latest HUGE competition from World Nomads. World Nomads has teamed up with Intrepid and Lonely Planet to send one lucky Nomad on a fully paid adventure, from Hiking in the Atlas mountains of Morrocco or treking in the Egyptian Sahara or rafting in the jungles of northern Thailand and even cycling through lush Bavaria. You have until August 31st 2006 to enter, and you'll have the rest of your life to regret it if you don't!
Click on the image below to find out more...
Easter has been and gone again. Can you believe this year I didn't receive a single Easter egg? At first, I thought that nobody loved me, but then I discovered the tragic truth...
Click here to see why it was an eggless Easter for The Savage.
Oh, and there's some jokes too. Aren't I spoiling you?
A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing, and concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"
"Oh No", the President exclaims. "That's terrible".
His staff sit there, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President slumps, head in hands.
Finally the President looks up and asks..."How many is a Brazillion?"
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a carton on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "f*&% off, that's what the beer was for!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and then I can go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."
Aussie ingenuity at its best!
Telephone conversation goes:
"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood Is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate"
THE YEARS BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
RETIREMENT IN THE U.S.
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds
And here’s a little introduction to my home state of Queensland:
Queensland is a State of Australia. Widely recognised as the most Yuppie State out of all of them. Sometimes recognised as the only State out of all of them because, let’s face it, none of the others are really worth knowing about. Also known for it's state pastime of being obnoxious self absorbed wankers and drinking the rest of the nation under the table. An eleven year old Queensland girl could drink any 20-something New South Wales man under the table. Queenslanders like to constantly brag about this.
Queensland was created in 1859 when God decided He’d had enough rest and really ought to create something that made all the effort worthwhile.
Shortly after it was created it was donated to the Queen and called Queen'sland. At the time everybody thought that the Queen didn’t have nearly enough land so they were glad that God gave her some more. Also, at the time, people knew how to use apostrophes. This ancient wisdom has now been lost in the mists of time. Many scholars believe it might be hidden somewhere under the blueprints for the Pyramids. The apostrophe from the State's name has been similarly misplaced.
In 1901, Queensland became part of Australia. The good thing about this was that it gave the State some other States to compare itself with. With the nature of those other States, Queenslanders realised they would be able to retain a smug air of superiority for all time and with good reason.
Queensland is run by a Premier most of the time. Some famous premiers have been:
Peter Beater Pumpkin-eater – current Premier of Queensland. Unlike his cousin, he has managed to keep his wife without resorting to the use of vegetable husks. He has single-handedly apologised for more screw-ups than all the previous premiers put together. No-one has yet managed to explain to him that it’s not actually a competition. Peter Beater is a champion of the ordinary worker citizen, He has used his position to actively support, by example, the national culture of bludging.
Wayne Goose – actually, he’s not that famous come to think of it.
Sir Joe Bjkjkljkjkljjlky-Petersham RSL – somehow became Premier and remained so for 125 years. He is the longest serving Premier in Australian history. He was knighted by Queen Victoria for services to inter-racial relations, having famously said, “I wouldn’t be related to anyone from another race, even if it’s the Olympic 200m butterfly”. He was an amusing sight, striding the corridors of Parliament in his shiny armour, occasionally shouting, "Halt. Who goes there?" At the same time he ruled with an iron fist and lead balls over some of the most corrupt politicians in the history of politicians. And all this was accomplished despite being born in New Zealand.
Queensland is a land of contrasts. Well, that’s according to all the tourist brochures which are helpfully printed in red, green and blue to illustrate the point. The red symbolises the “Outback” a mythical place filled with nothing but dirt, flies, clothes-lines, trampolines and children’s swing sets. The most famous place in the “Outback” is the Ettamogah Pub where “blokes” say “struth” a lot and drive “utes”.
The green symbolises the “Rainforest”. This is an experimental forest being developed by scientists from the Queensland University of Coming Up With Big Ideas on Small Budgets (QUCUWBIOSB) in conjunction with the Queensland Government Department of Spending Big Budgets on Mind Numbingly Useless Ideas (QGDOSBBOMNUI). The concept is that a new strain of tree can be genetically engineered to produce precipitation. If enough of these trees can be planted in a small enough space they will become a forest. Anyone who can’t join the dots on that one doesn’t deserve to know what the hell we’re talking about.
Finally, the blue symbolises the “Ocean”. Queensland is the proud owner of approximately 4,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilometres of prime beachfront real estate. This is a private beach, accessible only upon passing a dress code inspection carried out by officious security staff. These staff are recognisable by their headsets with microphones which elevate them to the same level of importance as United Steaks Secret Cervix agents. Just off shore in the “Ocean” is the “Great Reef Barrier” which was built in the 1950s as a barrier to stop the Japanese from reefing the beach away and towing it home with them.
Unfortunately, during the Sir Joe Bjkjkljkjkljjlky-Petersham RSL years, Queenslanders dug out an additional 4.7682E57 kilometres of canal estates, and consequently, much of south-east Queensland is slowly being absorbed by its fantastic surf beaches!
Queensland also has some mild natured mountains but we ran out of brown ink so they don’t appear in the brochures.
Brisvegas; home to such wonderful suburbs as Burpengary, Capalalalblala, Clontarf, Enoggera, Kippa-Ring, Larapinta, Yugar and Zillmere.
While Sydney is infamous for its Redfern region Brisbane has twice the infamy, Red Hill and Inala!
As our brochures also tell you, Queensland is “beautiful one day, perfect the next”. Unfortunately, no-one knows when either of those days will be, so stop calling the Bureau of Meteorology because they have enough work to do already. There is, however, a school of thought that developed somewhere in the other States that argues that that day has been and gone sometime during the Triassic Period.
One advantage of a Queensland summer is the humidity: one doesn't need to drink during summer in Queensland, as all the moisture you could ever need is in the atmosphere. Handy, huh?
Queensland is known for its excessive unused and uninhabited land. Most Australians live on the Eastern Coastline to get away from the brain dead, alcoholic "cowboys" who seem to never bathe or be able to find civilization. Queensland's capital is Brisbane which plays host to many long nights and annoying hangovers. If you're looking to drown yourself in alcohol, Brisbane is the place to go. The Government has enforced a 24-hour-7-day-party law, which has resulted in a person to club ratio of 1:3. This means if you live in Brisbane the building you are currently in is, or will be in the next few days, a nightclub.
Feel free to run around drunk all the time when in Queensland, as the annual Schoolies week comes around the end of the year. The event, held at the Gold Coast, is where recently finished high school teenagers come to drink, have sex, drink and have sex again, on a daily basis. Of course, no State of Australia could be complete without the Police. You probably see these guys chasing down innocent civilians with blinding concentrations of mace as they are too lazy or stupid to take down the real criminals such as kidnappers, murderers or drug traffickers. And be Careful not to Really Piss A Queensland Police Officer Off, or you may find yourself pinned to a building by the officer's patrol car!
So please vist Queensland - it's beautiful one day, turns out she's wasted the next.